Professional Angler Loses Tournament, Loses Hand, But Scores Big Win For Science

moose shark

Fake News Nate here, with an exclusive story about a tragedy and a triumph for one of my old friends from High School. Of course, everything you are about to read is completely true…maybe..

On a warm summer day in 2017, Mr. David Kennedy, a Pro Bass angler from sunny Woodbridge VA, was preparing to haul in a possible Tournament winning fish. It was the second day of fishing and the competition was savage. This competition I speak of wasn’t from the other anglers, but from what was lurking below the murky waters. Something was feeding on the “lunkers” as they lazily swam below the main current..something that had never been seen before…

The Squat Bodied, Great Two Finned, Tooth Trout…A name that will haunt Mr. Kennedy for the rest of his life. Albeit, a very hard to remember and drawn out name. But still..it strikes fear into his heart whenever someone takes the time to actually say all of that. Here is a professional diagram of the creature, taken from some science books or some sh!t….

toothtrout

He explained to me that as he was reaching into the water to retrieve his fish there was  “A huge splash, a crunching sound, and then I was all up in him” After an alarming moment of confusion, I realized he meant that his arm was stuck in the hungry beast’s mouth. “I knew then things would never be the same” He told me. “And I wished that I wasn’t right-handed”. Never one to pass up a good photo op, “Moose” (His nickname in Highschool..Go Eagles) stood up and held the beast still, giving the best “proud of my fish” pose he could muster, all the while listening to the sounds of his bones and tendons being shredded by the Tooth Trouts sharp, stubby teeth. David did not win the Tournament that day. The judge disqualified him for missing the weigh-ins. “I really hated missing the weigh-in” He said, with regret in his eyes, “But because I was missing my entire hand, I figured I had better go on to the hospital.” Now fitted with a new prosthetic, David has a new outlook on life. The government awarded him with a special plaque for discovering a new species of carnivorous fish and designed his new arm with a built-in extendable fishing pole. “They hardwired it to my brain, ya know. Now to reel it in I just think it. Of course, I’m still getting used to it. Sometimes I end up peeing my pants instead.” Moose still fishes those waters. Proud of his plaque, and his magical government fishing arm, but still, always weary and vigilant for what lurks beneath. In the deep the waters, just out of sight. Ready to ruin your tournament…

Thanks for sticking through that one, gang..I wanna thank David Kennedy for playing along with me here. A good sport, and a good dude. He served our country in the Navy and is an all-around cool fella. Go check out his page and his sponsors..yes he really is a pro angler. See..it’s not all lies..

Fake News Nate signing off..and remember You can’t screw up the facts if you never tell the truth…

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