Real Fakes…The Bizarre World of Knockoff Toys

Hello faithful followers, returning readers and future fans. If you’ve read my previous entries, I thank you for your support and hope that you continue to enjoy my absentmindedness and slightly informative posts here at Blue Ridge Report. Also, please take time to peruse the site and check out everyone’s work. This is a dedicated team and we take your entertainment seriously!

I swear I am not being paid to say this. I do, however, wish I was being paid for it. After all, if I made more money, I could buy more stupid things, like toys. I know what you’re thinking…”Oh God..he’s a toy collector..” Here come the stereotypes. So to nullify the BIG one, I’ll just say that it’s a good thing that I’m a lead singer in a band. But back to where I’m trying to steer this post.

I’m talking toys. Whether you’re a kid, flexing your imagination with you’re favorite characters, or an adult chasing childhood joys and collecting your youth (Sealed in box…ALWAYS), we’ve all experienced the happiness brought on by toys. But there is another side to the toys. I’m talking about the terrible rip offs one can find at flea markets and some department stores. So many knockoffs, so little time.

Some are very well done and packaged, and some…well…ill just leave this here..

sense of right copy.jpg

Yes..It’s Sense of Right! Yay! All the kids cheer as Batman emerges from the shadows and Superman patrols the skies! Suddenly its everyone’s favorite wise-cracking web-slinger, Spiderman, leaping from the wall to join a …Power Ranger type something character. Just when the team seems complete and ready to defeat whatever (probably equally ridiculous) villainous group has come to town, we see our true star…rolling in on top of… A car. A car. And who, you may ask, belongs on this team of mighty, timeless heroes?? Well, of course, it’s MuthaF@##in’ Shrek! As he speeds into the scene, we hear “Smash Mouth” music obnoxiously blaring from the car’s stereo… Aww yeah…Now its time to beat ass all over the town, as Shrek “calls the shots and beats the snots” outta the baddies. Marketing. Genius. What the actual hell. What’s he gonna do, hop on that car, speed up to a fallen baddie and do a drive-by Ogre crop dusting on em’?

Ok. Let me calm down some. I get worked up sometimes. Let’s move on some. Let’s see what else I got over here…

spinningnightmare

Oh, this looks kinda cool. Its like Beyblade I think. No, actually I think it’s a Yo-Yo. Oh, wait. Scratch that sh!t. This is a terrible idea. I hope you didn’t want any more kids, fella. Once your child opens the package and unleashes this spinning nightmare of destruction, nothing will be safe as they gleefully fling it across the house, into anything that’s glass, and inevitably, directly into your unsuspecting groin. Look at that smug bastard on the front…

smugkid.jpg

He knows you’ve made a terrible choice and he thinks its funny. Nah man. We’re putting that back on the shelf. In fact, we may hide it behind the puzzles, where today’s children never look…Ok, I got a few more. Sorry for the long post, but I feel you need this. Don’t ask why. Just let it happen…

starwarsiors.jpg
Oh Sh!t. Its Stars Warsiors..Sounds like I had a mild stroke as I read it..Muh Favorite. Along time ago, in a galaxy where bad English translations were the norm..I love how it starts off up top with a tasty fact for the youth. I know. I made the damn pic too small and you cant read it. It says “Galaxies are far, far away.” Thanks for the knowledge. And who better to impart wisdom than the green Mr. Miyagi (80’s Karate Kid reference, kids) known as ..WISE PUPPET..I’m just confused now. I’m in a state of WTF and disbelief. Surely he will teach Karate Farmer (I couldn’t even make up something this award winning) um..how to am fight and make defeat of the evill darkness, DOOR LADDER.. Oh God help, I’m being taken over by the realm of poor English translations…I’ve got to get out of this Galaxy of the most far ways, right now…

cawkkk

Really? Really? This is my savior from the last toy? I mean, what can i say about this that isn’t already majestically thrust at you by the toy itself. I mean come on. This is too easy. Nope, I’m done. Ima let the cock do the talk here. Ill take the high road on this one gang. Next toy. God I hope this is the last one. (Like I’m not controlling my own fate here..) Ok.. ONE MORE.

e3po

Oh no. No. What hath man wrought? Has science gone too far? You terrible monsters…you really did it. You took two of Sci-Fictions most beloved, yet ultimately lame characters and just grossly slapped them together for the ultimate blasphemous smack in the pimple covered nerds faces.

You coulda put some one at least marginally cool in there. I mean if its gonna be a complete BS mashup, why not go big and put ETs head on Boba Fetts body? “E.T. 2: The Ruthless Bounty Hunter”… Or make C3PO the bad-ass he always dreamed of being by placing the sunglasses wearing head of the Terminator T-100 on that sturdy frame. You thought Arnolds body looked tough? Well, wait till you see him come round the bend with that smooth studder-shuffle of a walk that ‘3PO has.. “I am The terminator, human cyborg relations”. No, I’m done. I’ve seen enough knock offs, rip offs and terrible conglomerates for this evening. I’m gonna go crack open my Sense of Right figures and pose them in a display case. If I could just get the damn Shrek figure to balance on that car…

I hope you enjoyed the post as much as I enjoyed writing it. My love for collecting all things nerd has allowed me to come across these toys, both in the wild and online. Tune in next time, friends. Who the hell knows what I’ll write about next, but I’m sure it will be mostly true. Sorta. As you know by now, You can’t screw up the facts when you never (or very rarely) tell the truth!

fakeet

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